Getting your sex life back in the couple after birth-giving
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You've been so overwhelmed figuring out your new life with the baby that sex in your couple has been deprioritized or forgotten? Your libido has dropped, and it feels awkward having sex frequently again? These truths can help you bring back the heat and connection that got you that baby in the first place.
After putting to bed, sex may not be at all of interest to you at first, but inviting your partner/husband to search with you and read together about why your libido is dropping and what you can do about it can reduce dramatically complains from your husband.
In addition, baby blues, weird body changes, and of course, the biggest libido-killing elephant in the room: the pure exhaustion a having a newborn seeking attention and driving you sometimes crazy as parents, are all at rendez-vous! You also might feel "touched out" after cuddling a baby much of the day.
So how long after birth can you have sex?
Most doctors advise not to put anything in the vagina for six weeks to give yourself time to heal. The risk of having a complication after delivery is highest during the first two weeks after delivery. But waiting will also give your body time to heal. The lochia (discharge of leftover blood and uterine tissue) has probably stopped by then as well.
If you had a vaginal tear that required surgical repair, you might need to wait longer, or seek advice from your doctor. The key takeaway is that sex after birth will take some time and effort. These truths can help you bring back the heat and connection that got you that baby in the first place.
The challenges of having sex:
- Post-partum healing: In addition to postpartum discharge and vaginal tears, you might experience fatigue, vaginal dryness (due to hormonal changes that affect the elasticity of the vaginal tissues), pain and low sexual desire.
- Hormonal changes: "When a woman is nursing, especially in the beginning, the decrease in estrogen combined with high prolactin and oxytocin levels can mimic menopause for the first two to three months. Anthropologically speaking, keeping your sex drive low is your body's way of preventing another pregnancy too soon.” – Doctor.
- Your vagina may change. Depending on your age and how many children you've had, there may be a little more, wiggle room down there, and not so tight for you and your partner to enjoy the intercourse experience. "Even someone who had a C-section can be affected, because the hormones of pregnancy widen the pelvic rim." – Doctor
Tips to get your intimacy, complicity as a couple, and sex life back:
"If there's no physical intimacy, or if it's really limited, couples start to feel like roommates, which is rarely a good thing. Feeling disconnected can lead to resentment". "Start with kissing or touching each other in a loving way, and work your way up to post-delivery sex when you're ready."
- Try games that rekindle your relationship, help you re-discover each other, and flirt without necessarily having sex… These will oftentimes put you in the mood to have sex without you putting your intention into sex. There are games you could play with your partner 2 – 3 times a week, typically at bedtime when you are both alone in your room, or at any frequency that suits you. A few proven ones are: Truth or dare; Talk, Flirt dare, UNBOXED, (and there are many more on online stores). are great games to have a great couple ritual/dynamic. Find 1 evening the first week, to play; then 2 days the second week, and then progressively go from there...
- Intentionally prepare to get you into the mood of having sex. Things such as being kind and nice to each other throughout the day or week, fulfilling each other’s needs for care, attention vs. trust, appreciation are more important for the woman to feel like having sex vs. touch when it is time to have sex. Taking a warm bath, and having a nicely done bed can also make you feel in a better mood for sex.
- Use lubricant. This can be helpful if you experience vaginal dryness.
- Experiment and communicate about it. Discuss alternatives to vaginal intercourse, such as massage, oral sex or mutual masturbation. Tell your partner what feels good — and what doesn't.
- Choose the right time for sex. Set aside time for sex when you're not too tired or anxious.
- To tone your pelvic floor muscles, try Kegel exercises or pilates. - Consult your health care provider, if sex is painful, or if you have particular concerns.
The bottom line: As long as you have established a good communication and respect for each other as a couple, the journey of reviving your sex life again will be manageable. Be intentional about it, and work your way up progressively. Most important, avoid making sex time becoming stress time. It is something you should enjoy.
Alright! Go enjoy your couple intimacy again!
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