Planning for your next baby: How well are you prepared as a couple?
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If you are married, or raising your baby with a partner (better to be two parents around a baby, to be honnest), your happiness as a mother is often linked to the quality of your relationship with your husband.. but, the arrival of the baby is a tumultuous period, where many couple relationships can get affected…
...Meanwhile, an unhappy mum or unhappy couple cannot communicate happiness neither to their baby, nor to colleagues at work. In many African contexts, couples get together so they can have children, almost as having a child is the goal. Or the birth of the child is the opportunity for the couple, sometimes not married yet, to move in together.
Which comes first? Children? Or Your relationship as a couple? This is a question you should have or seek clarity on as a couple, before you decide to have a baby and before you start living together.
“For many families, the birth of the baby is the death of the couple’s relationship. I see many couples loose their relationship, intimacy, and complicity after the arrival of their baby. I’ve heard husbands say. I feel she doesn’t love me anymore.. all her love and attention is going to the baby..” – Founder, CherishClub
So the REAL question is: Where does parenthood fit in your relationship as a couple? And not Where does your relationship as a couple fit in parenthood?
Here is a straightforward way of looking at it:
“Before the baby came, there was your couple. That is the main purpose of why you got into each other in the first place. Then, there are the by-products: the kids; the family in-law, etc. So while you have a baby to look after, you also have your relationship to look after and keep alive.” – Founder, CherishClub.
When your children grow old and leave the house, you will be left which each other for many more decades. If you spent 20-25 years of parenting, forgetting to water the little plant which is your couple relationship, it would have certainly died by that time. So, every single day, the little plant that is your relationship should be consistently watered, until it grows into an adult tree. And when it becomes an adult tree, it will need other forms of attention to keep in good shape and not age and fane.
Know and accept each other sufficiently, before you consider bringing in a baby. This will avoid you unnecessary stress
If you don’t have a baby yet, there is a mental preparation worth going through before the pregnancy or better, before you decide to have the baby. Do you know each other very well or have gotten used to each other so well? This will get you prepared to understanding each other when you will have mood swings during the pregnancy, or when the baby drives you crazy with unexplainable cries.
There is only one way to know each other well, and it is not dating for many years, but “living together (ideally after marriage) in the same house, room, and bed for many years”. If you just got married as a couple, take your first 2-3 years together to truly enjoy your marriage, discover each other, have same friends (ideally other couples), and get used to fully accepting each other. If the presence of a child under your roof is necessary to spice up your marriage, then something is wrong in your relationship and trust me, you better solve that first before you add a second problem: that of having a baby.
The opposite, a.k.a. getting married speedily and living under same roof because a baby is coming or has just arrived can be confusing for both of you, and soon you might think “Oh, he/she changed after we got married!”, which is not often true but the change of circumstances creates the impression of change.
Here is what typically goes on:
Woman during pregnancy:
- Tired, morning sickness, sometimes irritated and having mood swings. Some women experience irritability and even anger during pregnancy. Hormone changes are one reason for these mood swings. Just like some women experience irritability just before their period arrives every month, these same women may struggle with feelings of frustration and anger during pregnancy.
- Needs care, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance
Man:
- Feels irritated about the sudden change in woman’s behaviour; if they haven’t lived together before pregnancy, not easy to spot that this specific change is due to pregnancy and he just needs to support her, care for her, and reassure her. Instead, he spots the woman and the house as the sources of his stress forever!
- He starts spending more time outside of the home (to flee away from the stress)
Woman
- Feels even more irritated and confused by the lack of presence, understanding, and support from her man and complains about it
- May start loosing trust in him or his faithfulness given the recent disappearances from home
Man
- Feels even more stressed
- Needs trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement
- Starts looking for other sources of getting what he needs (sometimes, including unfaithfulness)
And the vicious cycle goes on…
The situation can get worse after the baby is here.
Woman
- Due to hormonal changes (oxytocin release) which increases her attachment to the baby, turns her affection and attention to the baby
- Finds evasion for her worries about husband’s lack of understanding and support, in taking care of her child
Man
- Feels ignored and no longer loved
- Feels extra stressed with baby’s cries and colic
- Finds more excuses to run away from the stress and spending more time outside of home.
...And the vicious cycle goes on…
Living together for sometime and understanding each other’s differences is crucial before you bring a child into the mix!
Communication is the key to take care of your couple relationship!
The only way to make something work is to frequently take stock, offer each other feedback, and act on those. This requires a communication system for your relationship. “In my case, we setup a weekly family check-in where we spent 30 mins discussing about our relationship as a couple first. We shared with each other, what we could improve, words of appreciation for what each person is doing well; and 15 mins on how each of us is doing well with the children; and 15 mins on things we’d like to do better together as a family.” – Married couple, with young babies.
Communication and feedback are important for the success of any relationship. When there is no recurring time to remind you to have such conversations, you may go on for weeks or months while small problems keep piling up until they explode one day, and it becomes hard for you to recognize your partner.
Still wondering what to do now?
Wherever you are in your relationship, try the following:
- Share and read this article together with your husband or partner
- Discuss with your partner, the idea of setting up a 1-hour weekly couple/relationship review time
- Have the first discussion (note that at the beginning it will take a bit of time to get the right topics and tone for the conversation, this is fine. You might focus the first talk on just expressing your feelings and what you need from the other right now. The conversation will start flowing naturally after the first 2 or 3 review conversations. Communicate about each other’s challenges and try fully to empathetically put yourselves in the other person’s shoes to understand the challenge truly from their perspective.
The bottom line: Communication is the key. open communication will help you prevent avoidable issues/stress. If things are already a bit tense in your couple right now, apply a high degree of empathy and do your best not to judge the other or assume things. Read to the best you can, from the other's perspective. Empathy can solve you resolve problems more easily than anything.
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